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Monday, December 3rd, 2007
2:08 pm
Last night was possibly one of the worst nights I've had in my life.

I posted a short version in some communities......but here's the long one:

I went to my ex's place to give my stuff...and with the subtle knowledge that there would be breakup sex. I thought I was okay with this. I thought I was over the relationship. It's sad when you have to screw someone to know that you're in love with them.

Anyway, I got there and we started kissing, right away. I felt like an animal or something. It would have been hot if we were dating, if i knew he was doing it bc he loved me, but I could tell he was doing it bc it just wanted sex. I was merely vehicle to that...but I wanted to be so much more.

It got to be too much and he could tell I was uncomfortable, so he stopped. We started watching iron chef, and I started crying. He asked why..and I basically told him, "I can't sleep with you when I know it's open ended. I can't do this unless we're in a relationship."

He said okay, and that he understood. He was so nice...treating me like we were dating. Just hugging me and holding me and kissing my cheeks and wiping my tears. I stopped crying and we started kissing again. More tears...same thing.

We starting making out a third time, and I say "I really can't do this unless we're together."
And he said, "Well, then I guess we'll have to start dating again for me to do this."
And I said, "Yep, sorry."
So he said, "okay then."

And then started kissing me again. I fooled myself into thinking he wanted to be with me so I slept with him. And at the end I just started sobbing, like uncontrollably, for an hour. The guy had never seen me cry within two years of our dating.

I had told him about my eating disorder the day before, and I think I sort of wigged him out that I was going to do something crazy. As I left this morning he asked, "You're not going to like, stop eating for two weeks because of this, are you?" The boy is a FUCKING MED STUDENT. He should know to handle things more gently.

I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I can't get over it. I guess I should consider myself lucky that this is the first time I felt totally used. It's awful to feel used during the whole process by someone who used to love you.

In my head I keep thinking how nice he was, but a really nice guy would NOT have pushed it after a girl starts crying once.

I'm SO mad at myself.

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Thursday, March 29th, 2007
12:05 am
It's been forever. I'd like to say I'm back...but my last entry points to how reliable that comment might be.

Updates:

I'm graduating in May. No...I don't have a job yet. Ivy League degrees are NOT as useful as they appear

I have a loving boyfriend. He's amazing and brilliant and better than me at basically everything. But he's great to me. The question is...will we be in the same city after graduation?

My family hates me. They know my eating disorder has gotten out of control and have chosen the "we hate you" approach. NOT moving home at graduation.

My bulimia is out of control. I have binged myself out of money. And I don't feel like stopping.

5'4"
CW: 127
Goal by end of April: 115

I want to be 110 by graduation.

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Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
9:02 pm
sometimes I'm ashamed to come here because I can't even succeed at the one thing I have going in my life: my eating disorder.

How have I not lost any weight in the last month?? It's like everytime a pound is gone, it's back again the next day. Oh well, at least I haven't gained.

Annnd I'm back...for a while at least :-p

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Sunday, October 8th, 2006
10:05 pm
meal plan.
b/c i'm bored.

(i know this is strange...fyi)

Monday:
breakfast: 1 egg, egg white, salsa (80, 20, 10) = 110
starbucks doubleshot light - 70
lunch: luna bar, in halves, 180
dinner: 1 cup cottage cheese and sf jam - 250
snack: apple - 100
total: 710 cal

Tuesday:
breakfast/lunch - dining hall salad - 300
snack: 1/2 cup kidney beans w/ italian dressing - 100
dinner - 1/2 cup cottage cheese - 110
1 serving carrots w/ dressing - 50
snack: luna bar - 170
total: 730 cal

Wednesday:
breakfast: 1 egg, egg white, salsa (80, 20, 10) - 110
starbucks doubleshot light - 70
lunch: 1 cup yogurt 100
1 serving carrots with dressing - 50
snack: apple - 100
dinner: cherry tomatoes with feta cheese and italitan dressing - 100
1/2 cup cottage cheese - 100
snack: 1/2 cup kidney beans w. vinegar - 130
total: 760

plus gym burning 300 cals a day
gah.

too much purging today
i'm all shakey

also...i'm pretty broke....
so that is all pretty cost effective...so yay :)

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Saturday, October 7th, 2006
3:58 pm
ugh. i really want a salad. but still haven't eaten anything today. it's not that i'm particually afraid of the salad, i'm just terrified to put food in my mouth. afraid that it's going to lead to a huge binge. NOT HAPPENING TODAY. i will be strong.

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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
1:34 pm
i will hit under 120 lbs by then end of october.

i'm crazy. i know it. and i really don't give a damn.

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11:28 am
so I cross posted this in my journal...

but...I finally told my "boyfriend" (i don't know...we don't have labels yet). I realized that he was thinking everytime I was freaking out about my body, I was rejecting him. And that I was going to lose what we had if I didn't let him in. I didn't want to do it...in fact, it took about 10 minutes of silence to spit it out...but I finally told him almost everything.

Here's how it went...Collapse )

Anyway, I actually am back now, so please forgive me if I've haven't commenting as much. I promise to catch up!

i hope all of your days are going well!!!

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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
3:42 pm
i'm going to tell him tonight. he's so confused about my reactions to everything. about why i sometimes can't stand when he touches me, why sometimes i just need to sleep alone, why i never want to eat what he cooks, why i'm so afraid of this.

he thinks it's him...but it's all me.

he deserves to know. i can't tell him everything at first. i know it'll be a lie to not tell him i still make myself throw up every day, but i need to build up to that. i don't even tell my therapist that.

i guess i'd rather have him hear this from me than have him randomly walk in on me puking my guts out. i'd rather just have him know. and i'd like to at least attempt to explain my thoughts.

i've never just sat and told someone this before, and everyone tells me i'd be an idiot to let this guy go. and if i'm going to keep him around. i'm going to have to at least let him in.

this might scare him. and he might not want to continue things after this, but that's okay. he needs to know what he's getting into

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Sunday, October 1st, 2006
3:41 pm
someone posted something in some community yesterday lol. I know that's vague, but it stuck. Something her therapist had said to her.

"you need to keep your thoughts in line with your actions. you say you want to be skinny. and yet you binge"

if you want something, you work at it.

celbrating at least 1/2 of a day binge and purge free.

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11:39 am
Meal Plan for the day (i do better when i plan):
1 c. oatmeal (150)

1 yogurt (70) and 1 apple (100) = 170

1 cup kashi go lean (140)

coffe throughout the day (50)

some egg white type thing (i have a mad craving right now :-p) (150)

so that seems like a crap load, but maybe i wont eat it all. but i WILL NOT go over.
total = 660

also to do today: neurbio (4 sections), pset for marketing, read study.

oh man...sorry for the boring post. i just have to attempt to keep my life in check right now.

EDIT (3:40)
so far:
oatmeal (150), egg white scramble (160), grapes (!00)

so not dying yet.

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Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
11:36 am
This boyfriend thing is harder than I imagnined. He's the first person in my life that it actually pains me not to tell.

He sat me down outside a few weeks ago to tell me that he liked me more than a friend. I tried to scare him away by telling him I was horrible at relationships. I tried to warn him how incredibly fucked up I am without actually giving any details. I told him I am moody, neurotic, and emotionally closed.

And he still wanted to try a relationship. He said he has infinite patience for those he cares about. He said he knows I don't open that much, but that if I'm even willing to open up once, he wants to be there.

The thing is, he can read me so well. He can tell when I'm upset or agitated or down or tired or anything. He says I don't have to tell him why I'm in a particular mood, but he's always there if I want to talk.

I always tell him "its nothing" or "i don't know what's bugging me." BUT I DO. I feel fat. Or I've binged and purged all day. Or I've just started at my thighs to 30 minutes in the mirror. All of the them are related to this eating disorder.

It's the reason I avoid dinner with him. It's the reason I sometimes randomly freak out when he touches me. It's the reason I have a melt down if someone puts regular instead of diet coke into my rum. It's the reason I sometimes want nothing more than to just shut him out.

There's just such a simple explanation for all my erratic behavior. And I feel like I'm lying to him by not telling. We share so much of our thoughts. But he has no idea what I'm actually hiding. It's never bothered me like this before.

I'm pretty sure if I tell him he wont run. But he'll want to help. And right now, I can't do help. I need to get smaller. Faster. And I'm hell bent that no one will stand in my way.

But I know that in the next few months, I either need to tell him or just let him go. It's only fair.

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
6:35 pm
i am an ivy league student. i have no desire to be a maid. i have lofty goals for myself.

so then why do i spend so much time cleaning the toliet?

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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
11:11 pm
Bulimia is my insanity.
Anorexia is my calm.

With bulimia I feel everything to an extreme; with anorexia I feel nothing.

I just want to be in the middle.

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10:34 pm
So at long last, I am back. I know that it's just an electronic journal, but for some reason...it's stragely comforting.

So my eating disorder is about the same...but I think it's starting to take it's toll. I think I've purged almost every day for the past year and a half. First diagnosed anorexic at age 16. Now I'm 21. It's been 6 or 7 years now.

The scary thing is, everyone thinks I'm doing better now that I'm so much fatter. But really, I'm sort of half heartedly purging everything I eat. And I think it's sending my whole body out of whack. My legs fall asleep in a short period of time, my hands are always tingling and I just feel sort of out of it.

I took a nap on friday and stood up a little too fast when I got out of bed. I remember feeling dizzy, taking a few steps, and then the next thing I knew I was on the floor...with a bruise on my hip, 2 on my arm, and a giant one on my head. Stupid thing though...when my boyfriend asked where they came from, I told him. He doesn't know about my ED, but I feel like the passing out thing could be a hint eventually. He's going to Stanford med next year, and his parents are both doctors, so naturally he was a little worried. Blegh...hopefully I don't pass out again lol.

The relationship thing is harder than I imagined. It's been so long for me.

He's an amazing guy. I told him I have relationship "issues" (nothing specific...didn't want to scare him away :-p), and he said he has unlimited patience for those he cares about. I don't know if anyone has enough patience for me. I almost like him so much...I don't want to put him through a relationship with me.

Part of me wants to tell him about my ED. He's always talking about honesty, and I'm starting to feel SO GUILTY not telling him. I feel like if he ever finds out he's going to feel like he doens't even know me. Maybe he doesn't.

Also, sex is hard. I mean we haven't had it yet...but I'm just so uncomfortable with my body. We've done everything you can do...while keeping our underwear on...and he keeps telling me he "loves my body." Which makes me want to vomit right as he says it. The idea of feeling as vulnerable and forcibly connected with my body as sex would make me feel also just makes me want to run. I want to tell him it's not him...it's me. But I think I'd owe him an explanation.

Anyway...

I'm back now! I'd love to reconnect with the veterans that are still around...and meet new people! I promise I'm here to stay for a long time now.

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Saturday, April 29th, 2006
3:22 am
oh my god....YES!!!!!!

i did it!!!

one day without purging!!!!! and i feel so good. it's been so long.

i'm drunk now...but later i will really update. YES! hopefully this will start a pattern.

of course, including alcohol, i probably had like 1500 cals today, which is a ton...BUT no purging!!! so yay :)

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
2:46 pm
alright....so small steps:

so far, 15 hours sans purging. Of course 8 of those were spent sleeping...but still!! lol

goal for today: eat 1000cals, don't purge any of it, and go to the gym

oh yeah....also....write that paper that was DUE THURSDAY DUMB ASS

haha...yeah...oops. but i think it'll be okay.

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Monday, April 17th, 2006
3:58 pm
okay...soooo back...again :P

okay so today has been going okay so far. My BP-ing has been OUT OF CONTROL lately. grrrr.

Goal: 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Not crazy. Plus, I've gained like a mo-fo lately, so a lot that will be bloat (hopefully??).

I want to be 20 lbs thinner by the start of next school year. I can do it. And then...I will be getting towards thin. I've shot back up to 137, but I just got my period, and it wasn't my morning weight, so technically I'm a little thinner :P.

STG1: 125
STG2: 115

I know I should stop there. I'm telling myself now, I CAN stop there...but I guess we'll have to see.

Today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, 150; Cottage Cheese: 120
Snack: Small Apple 80
Lunchish: 2oz grilled chicken, 100 cals, Banana, 100 cals
Snack 2: FF frozen yogurt....PURGE. opps. I KNOW I can't eat the stuff b/c I think they lie about their cals. But it was quick, hands-free, and not techinically a binge.

So far, 550 cals
For the evening: tea, diet coke, orgain beans/salsa 260 cals, starbucks double shot (papers!!) 140, carrots and italian 50

So: 1,000 cals overall. And I'm buringin 400 at the gym. Not healthy I know. But I'm just trying to get over the purging now. Who knows...maybe I'll feel okay eating more?? I just need to know I wont purge it.

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3:58 pm
okay...soooo back...again :P

okay so today has been going okay so far. My BP-ing has been OUT OF CONTROL lately. grrrr.

Goal: 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Not crazy. Plus, I've gained like a mo-fo lately, so a lot that will be bloat (hopefully??).

I want to be 20 lbs thinner by the start of next school year. I can do it. And then...I will be getting towards thin. I've shot back up to 137, but I just got my period, and it wasn't my morning weight, so technically I'm a little thinner :P.

STG1: 125
STG2: 115

I know I should stop there. I'm telling myself now, I CAN stop there...but I guess we'll have to see.

Today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal, 150; Cottage Cheese: 120
Snack: Small Apple 80
Lunchish: 2oz grilled chicken, 100 cals, Banana, 100 cals
Snack 2: FF frozen yogurt....PURGE. opps. I KNOW I can't eat the stuff b/c I think they lie about their cals. But it was quick, hands-free, and not techinically a binge.

So far, 550 cals
For the evening: tea, diet coke, orgain beans/salsa 260 cals, starbucks double shot (papers!!) 140, carrots and italian 50

So: 1,000 cals overall. And I'm buringin 400 at the gym. Not healthy I know. But I'm just trying to get over the purging now. Who knows...maybe I'll feel okay eating more?? I just need to know I wont purge it.

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Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
2:07 pm
so at long last i am back.

I left b/c I really am trying to kick the b/p habbit...but leaving did nothing but make me feel a little more isolated.

I have to go to a formal even on Sat. so I went dress shopping, and it turns out I'm a size 2. I don't really know when that happened. Last time I checked I was a size 6. Buy I'm definately a 2...I tried on tons of brands...so it wasn't a fluke.

I used to think that I would be happy when I reached a size 4. But now I'm a size 2 and still feel as fat as ever. I now notice that people I used to consider beautiful, I now consider fat. I look around and I see so many people thinner than me. But where do they shop? I really starting to grasp that if I feel obease at a size 2, I must have a skewed perception. But how much?? I wish I could know.

I ran into my ex again today (we're on good terms) and he saw me heading to the gym for cardio fitness (ew...pe in college). I said, "oh I'm going to the gym. I have PE." And then he was like, "wait...everything T/Th morning?" And I said, "yep." And then he was like, "Then why do I see you working out on T/Th around 10pm at night?"

He just has these piercing eyes, and I know he sees right through me. I tried to deny it, and he was like...you're lying to me. He didn't say anything else or push it any further, but I'm pretty sure he knows something is up.

On the other hand...I had one guy tell me I looked chunky in my stage costume, and another tell me he was glad I had meat on my bones. Which I know he didn't mean in a mean way...but ugh...didn't feel good.

Anyway, I've missed you all and promise I'm back for a least a little while!

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Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
3:27 am
I want to live. I do. That's not a question at all in my mind. But then why do I do this to myself? It's really just a form of slow suicide.

Everytime I purge my heartbeat goes haywire. I can feel it's irregular rhythms pounding in my ribcage, and it scares me. Quick, quick, quick, quick, pause, slow, slow, quick, pause, quick. No pattern. Nothing. I've noticed now that I complusively check my pulse. It's as if part of me needs to reassure myself that I'm still here, still alive, still going.

I want to live! I want to be here! So then why do I continue to do this to myself???

I used to have so many goals and dreams. I mean, I still do. They just used to seem so attainable. Now...it's hard for me to see much past graduating from college.

But...in order to do that...perhaps I should study for midterms!! American Music and Art History on Thursday. I'm SO bad at art!...it's almost funny. It's part of our core and my prof was excited to have me in the class b/c she thought my music background might help...but NOO!...lol. Why can see so much in music and so little in art?

And after Thursday...just East Asian music and genetics left!

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